Army of Darkness is a Better Blogger Than You. And Here’s Why.

Although his random (but always hilarious) cameo appearances and his role in the hit show Burn Notice are nothing to sniff at, Bruce Campbell is probably best known for his unforgettable performances as Ash Williams in cult classic films like Evil Dead 2 and its 1992 sequel, Army of Darkness. He consistently delivers biting one-liners and a devil-may-care attitude that can’t be duplicated.

What can Bruce and his wit teach you about blogging? Well, with the guidance of some of his most memorable quips from Army of Darkness, you’ll learn why it’s a must to sprinkle humor and attitude into your blog posts – and into your daily life as a blogger – all while looking like a BAMF.

Rule #1: Not all serious situations call for serious responses.

Have you ever read a blog so boring that you clicked away before making it through the intro paragraph? Or perhaps you have trouble composing articles that aren’t gravely serious and to-the-point? Here’s where Bruce comes in!

Do you think Ash Williams lets a few undead jerks and a serious mood bring down his witty demeanor? Heck no. Even when Ash is faced with grave danger, he still manages to see the humor in situations and he doesn’t hesitate to bring that to light. Case in point: even when Ash was catapulted back into the Middle Ages, attached to a chain gang, and told he had to jump into an ominous pit where death surely awaited him, he still had a witty remark for the fellow chained up behind him:

Duke Henry: You, Sir, are not one of my vassals…who are you?

Ash: Who wants to know?

Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.

Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and shit… and Jack left town.

See what he did there? Okay, maybe don’t insult your audience, but you get the idea. This isn’t a free pass to make a joke of serious situations, but it’s possible to lighten the mood when it’s called for. Humor really does make a difference when you’re setting the tone for your posts, especially when it comes to your readership and their vested interest in what you have to say. Have a quip for every situation!

Rule #2: Kill ‘em with confidence and stand your ground.

You’ve got to decide which side you’re on, and you’ve got to do it authoritatively. No one likes a flip-flopper and few people are going to read your blog if you can’t form a concrete opinion on a subject. Furthermore, your blog will be dead in the water if you’re not confident in the stance you’ve chosen. There will be haters in the comments no matter what your opinions (oh yes, there will be!) but you can’t let that decide your outcome. Don’t be a pansy – stand up for yourself and stand your ground.

Old Woman: I’ll swallow your soul!

Ash: Come get some.

Rule #3: Don’t get too comfortable, and always prepare for the unexpected.

Staying one step ahead of the curve can only benefit you on your journey. It’s fine to feel pride in your work (see the previous point on confidence) but don’t let it go to your head. You’re not invincible and there will always be challenges (and enemies) waiting around the corner to catch you in a trap or to gore you with sharp objects. Avoid a nasty situation by either getting wise to tricks or by simply using your experience to air on the side of caution.

(After a possessed woman is knocked to the ground, supposedly unconscious)

Ash: It’s a trick. Get an axe.

Rule #4: Impostors will try to throw you off track. Don’t let them.

When Ash is again faced with the same evil entity that transported him back into the Middle Ages, it gets the best of him by using his reflection in a broken mirror to spawn a handful of mini-Ashes, who dutifully try to bring him down. No one likes a copycat, including Ash! Show impostors that you’re the original by reasserting yourself as the one in charge. In other words, lay the smack down on those who pass your words and talents off as their own.

Ash: Oh, you little bastards! All right, I’ll crush each and every last one of ya! I’ll squash you so hard you’ll have to look down to look up!

Rule #5: Be a fearless leader and unite your audience.

Ash could have easily retreated from the Deadite army by fleeing to the mountains after Arthur suggested it to the group. Do you know why he chose to stick around? Because he’s a natural leader, and you should be, too. He knew that the Medieval soldiers would never be fully rid of the Deadite army until they faced them, and he also knew that they could emerge victorious if they worked together to outwit (and out-fight) the evil that approached. Don’t give up when times get tough – step up to the plate and take care of business.

Ash: Go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama. I’m through runnin’. I say we stay and fight. Now who’s with me?

Rule #6: Always have a better weapon than your competition.

Is your opponent armed with jagged teeth and a bad attitude? No problem; use your chainsaw hand. Is a skeleton army coming at you full-force with razor-sharp swords? Bust out that boomstick and the homemade gunpowder arrows and catapults. Your competitors will constantly try to get the best of you with the latest-and-greatest plays, but you can stop them by calculating their next move – and then one-upping it.

Ash: You see this? This…is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that? [See a clip of this scene here]

Rule #7: Always get your man…er, girl.

In the end, Ash Williams successfully leads the Medieval knights to defeat the Deadite army and he even manages to save his love interest from succumbing to an undead life. Due to his confidence, wit, and brute strength, he was able to get the girl and travel back to his original time period. If you’re a fearless, talented, and badass blogger, then work hard and aim for that payoff before you reach the end of your story!

(Dips the girl in his arms)

Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.

In short, don’t be afraid to find that humor, confidence, and strategy as a blogger. Incorporating Ash’s strengths will not only make you tougher but also give you the skills you need to climb your way to the top. It won’t be easy, but being awesome never is. Just be sure that your chosen sense of humor and strategies match your (or your brand’s) established personality. Otherwise, you’re going to come off as fake as a B movie’s special effects.

Oh, and one more thing before I go: Hail to the king, baby.

• Any more tips for fellow screwheads looking to improve their blogs?